


(Un)Comfortable

by ilovemesomekillianjones



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M, Humor, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-10 13:37:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17426906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilovemesomekillianjones/pseuds/ilovemesomekillianjones
Summary: Here’s a little one shot based on a hilarious text image/prompt, not sure where actual credit goes for the photo I found on google, but thanks to the genius behind it.Text: I wanna cuddle you.Text: And spoonReply: Awwww very sweetText: And give you boners at inappropriate times and placesI read it and thought of Emma and Killian right away. This is written in the canon universe, and even though it’d never happen, this is just me having fun and attempting to be humorous. I hope you enjoy. Thanks @hollyethecurious for your skilled beta services and positive feedback!





	1. Chapter 1

Killian sat at the table across from his in-laws. Now in-laws, there’s a word Killian Jones never expected to be associated with. It wasn’t uncomfortable per se, as they sat in silence. He’d chased their daughter to other realms, and let his undying love be known to them over the past several years. He’d been on adventures with these two, cursed with them, trapped with them, he’d committed crimes against them - now forgiven - and they’d seen him at his literal worst.  How could he possibly be uncomfortable around them?

 

_ Five minutes earlier… _

 

_ “You made us late again.” _

 

_ “But it was for a noble cause.” _

 

_ “Since when is ravishing your wife repeatedly on a Sunday morning classified as noble?” _

 

_ “Since I nobly made you come three times on said Sunday morning.” _

 

_ Emma paused, hand on the entrance to Granny’s, and appraised her husband’s cocky expression, eyebrow raised, lips turned up at one corner and his tongue - oh, that tongue - running along the edge of his teeth. It wasn’t that he didn’t have a right to be cocky. He had in fact made her come three times this morning, and it had been mind blowing, but once again, they were late to Sunday morning breakfast with her parents.  _

 

_ “Awfully smug there, pirate.” _

 

 _Killian just shrugged his shoulders, feeling well within his rights to be a little..._ _cocksure. “Just taking credit where it’s due.”_

 

_ Emma’s eyebrows hit her hairline.  _ Oooh, he’s feisty this morning! _ she thought. She decided then and there she’d be taking him down a peg or two, perhaps she was the one that was feisty this morning. Pulling open the door, she bowed and gestured for Killian to enter, “After you, oh noble king of all things women’s pleasure.” _

 

_ Killian’s eyes bugged as he sent her a questioning look. He leaned into her frame as he stood in the doorway, “It’s a damn good thing it’s noisy in here, love, we don’t need everyone knowing about my… prowess.”  _

 

_ Emma tilted her head, “Oh, no?” _

 

_ “And besides, you’ve got it all wrong, I am actually the king of all things Emma’s pleasure.”  _

 

_ The cheeky bastard winked and swept inside. There weren’t words grand enough in her vocabulary to describe the kind of lover her husband was, suffice to say he was the best, and she was positive there was not a soul more capable of bringing her greater pleasure. Still, Emma barely resisted the urge to slap the back of his head.  _

 

_ Killian stopped to greet Granny, it never ceased to amaze Emma just how much the old woman enjoyed flirting with the roguishly handsome pirate. She is sure that’s where Ruby got her audacious flirting from. _

 

_ She walked ahead to join her parents at their Sunday breakfast booth where they stood up to hug her as they did every Sunday. _

 

_ “Hey mom, dad,” she greeted, squeezing them both at once. “I just want to apologize-” _

 

_ “We know, we know, you got caught up with laundry, or dishes, or whatever, it’s no big deal,” Snow interrupted. _

 

_ “Um, actually, I’m apologizing for what’s about to happen.”  _

_ David and Snow cocked their heads and gave their daughter a look of confusion as she slid into the booth while they took their seats.  _

 

_ Emma leaned in quickly and whispered, “Just want to have a little fun with my pirate this morning.” _

 

_ Killian slid in next to Emma a moment later and pecked her cheek. “Sorry we’re late this morning,” he apologized. _

 

_ David was still looking at his daughter, wondering what she was apologizing for, if not for being tardy. Unbeknownst to him, David fell right into his daughter’s web. “So, why were you late?”  _

 

_ “David! That’s none of our business.” Snow had already barged in on the couple once when they were partaking in morning activities she did not want to discuss over breakfast. They were habitually late, and Snow for one was not going to worry herself about the whys, instead she and David had taken to arriving a half hour later than the agreed upon time.  _

 

_ “Do you want to tell them?” Emma asked her husband. “Or shall I?” _

 

_ “By all means,” Killian answered reaching to turn over Emma’s coffee cup and then his own. _

 

_ Emma snuggled up to Killian and kissed his cheek. “This one just couldn’t get enough this morning.” _

 

_ Killian’s coffee cup slipped from his hand and hit the table loudly. The glass didn’t break, but it bounced several times causing quite the disturbance. He was staring at his wife as though she’d stabbed him. _

 

_ “What?” Emma smiled sweetly at him.  _ Where’s your braggadocio now? _ she mused. _

 

_ Killian’s eyes darted to his mother-in-law who had her eyes squeezed shut just as she had that morning she’d barged in on them, as if willing away Emma’s words. He chanced a glance at his father-in-law and best mate. He did not look happy. He didn’t necessarily look mad either, more like a deer in headlights as the folks in this world liked to say.  _

 

_ Killian cleared his throat and squirmed in his seat. “I think what Emma meant to say is, I couldn’t get enough sleep. I was terribly comfortable, and I made us late with my laziness.” _

 

_ David exhaled the air he’d sucked in, all too ready to accept the shoddy excuse. Snow however cracked an eye open to assess the situation. One look at Killian’s bright pink ears and Emma’s diabolic smile and she knew it was lie.  _

 

_ “We all need a little extra rest from time to-” _

 

_ “Oh no, Dad,” Emma interrupted him, shaking her head dramatically. “We were not sleeping. Don’t be shy, babe. What was it you said? Oh, yeah. The king of all things Emma’s pleasure.” She leaned in again and nuzzled his ear. _

 

_ David blanched and immediately clapped his hands over his ears while shooting his daughter a death glare. He could not comprehend how this was ‘having fun with her pirate’. Was she trying to punish them? Had they upset her?   _

 

_ Killian pressed his shoulder up to his ear where Emma was nuzzling him, trying to figure out just what had gotten in to his wife. “Swan, I am quite certain your parents have no interest in what goes on behind our bedroom door.”  _

 

_ Granny walked up to the table and shot David a look like he’d lost his mind as she poured them each a coffee. “Anyone want anything different, or will you all be having your regular Sunday fare?” _

 

_ “The regular,” David, Killian, and Snow all mumbled. _

 

_ “Hmmmm,” Emma exaggerated, “you know what Granny? I’m starved, what do you have that would satisfy a Romanian powerlifter. Killian really helped me work up an appetite this morning.” _

 

_ Granny waggled her eyebrows salaciously. “I knew it!” _

 

_ Emma’s brows furrowed and she shook her head trying to clear out whatever image Granny was conjuring up in her own perverted mind.  _

 

_ “The Miner’s Breakfast is what you need!” Granny supplied, then headed back behind the counter.  _

 

_ “Sounds delicious!” Emma picked up her coffee and took a small sip before announcing her need to use the restroom.  _

 

So, it wasn’t uncomfortable per say, but it wasn’t comfortable, to be sure. 

 

David was now glaring at his son-in-law, he wasn’t quite sure what had spurred his daughter’s lunacy this fine Sunday morning, but he knew it was, in some way shape or form, the pirate’s fault.

 

“So, what do you have planned for this week,” Snow asked trying to fill the silence that had fallen over their table. “Are you boys still going fishing with Henry after school on Wednesday?”

 

David huffed and ran a hand threw his hair. “I don’t know, Hook might have other plans.”

 

“Oh, I’m back to Hook, I see,” Killian muttered. He dug his phone out of his pocket when it buzzed, signaling an incoming something or other. He looked down to see a text from Emma, sliding the screen, it opened to the text box.

 

E: I wanna cuddle you.

 

Well that was decidedly less evil than the game she’d been playing a moment ago.

 

E: And spoon

 

Killian wouldn’t lie, he wouldn’t announce it to the world either, but he loved to snuggle… and spoon. Perhaps if he played nice, she’d quit trying to get her father to stab him again.

 

K: Awwww very sweet

 

He locked the phone and stuck it back in his pocket. 

 

“I am still up for sailing this Wednesday, if you are Dave.”

 

“See, it’ll be a fun boys trip! Emma and I are going out for dinner and a movie, Belle is babysitting.”

 

“I don’t want to hear about you being  _ up _ for anything,” David grumbled

 

Killian rolled his eyes and grabbed his vibrating phone back out as the couple continued talking. 

 

“Enough David,” Snow chuckled at her petulant husband, “Emma is clearly just trying to razz Killian.”

 

“Well it backfired, she’s razzing me!”

 

Another new message had arrived. He slid the screen again and choked on the coffee he’d just sipped.  

 

E: And give you boners at inappropriate times and places

 

As he read the message again, and continued coughing uncontrollably from the liquid that had gone down the wrong pipe, a picture popped up on his screen. Despite hacking, despite his in-laws sitting across the table from him, despite the diner full of Storybrooke denizens, his pants immediately tightened as he stared at the photo she’d just sent. And just like that, things became a bit less comfortable.

 

Selfie, Emma Swan style, shirt gone, one hand grasping a perky breast and tweaking her pert nipple, the other holding the phone to snap a picture in the reflection of the mirror. She was biting her lip and positively eye fucking him through the lens.

 

“Are you okay, Killian?” Snow asked with alarm coloring her tone. “He’s turning bright red, David! He might be choking.”

 

“He wouldn’t be able to cough if he was actually choking.”

 

Snow started to stand up and round the table.

 

“No!” Killian yelled, dropping his phone in his lap and holding his hook out to stop her from coming closer. “I’m fine, I’m okay,” he sputtered between deep coughs. Grabbing one of the cloth napkins from the table, he wiped at his mouth. 

 

“See, he wouldn’t be able to talk either if he was choking.” 

 

“You were turning so red, I got a little worried,” Snow said. “Are you sure you’re okay.”

 

“Aye,” Killian affirmed. Just as he did his phone vibrated against his hardened cock and he jumped in his seat causing his phone to clatter to the floor. 

 

“I’ll get it,” Snow volunteered.

 

“No!” Killian shouted again, voice a full octave higher than normal. 

 

His in-laws frowned, taken aback by his slightly erratic behavior, but chalked it up to the oddity of the whole morning. 

 

“I mean, that’s not necessary.” He quickly bent below the table to grab his phone. Out of habit he flipped it over to check that the screen was still in tact. “Bloody hell,” he groaned.

 

“Is it broken,” Snow asked, reminding Killian that he was still in public. His cock was uncomfortably straining against the uncomfortable zipper of his jeans, and Killian Jones was suddenly hyper-uncomfortable.  

 

“No, no it’s fine,” he murmured as he gazed at the next photo that had arrived. 

 

Emma Swan, selfie number two, pants off, leg hiked up on the sink of the bathroom at Granny’s fucking diner, middle and ring fingers plunged deep inside her so just her wedding ring was showing, looking in the mirror like she’d devour him whole if given the chance. God damn, she made him hard as rock.

 

“You okay down there?” his wife asked sweetly.

 

His head hit the table as he made to sit back up. “Shite!” he cursed as he sat back up and rubbed the back of his head.  _ She must have sent it after getting dressed, _ he thought. 

 

Emma stood just outside the booth looking at him with an innocent smile on her face.

 

“Aren’t you gonna sit?” Snow asked.

 

“Oh, I was just waiting to have my spot back,” she answered her father sweetly, then looked to Killian again.

 

Jaw clenching, Killian pursed his lips together and narrowed his eyes. He shook his head infinitesimally, trying to signal to her that he was in no condition to stand up in front of her parents, let alone the townsfolk. 

 

“Oh, please Killian, I really like sitting on the inside, it would bring me great  _ pleasure _ .”

 

“Just give her the damn seat,” David growled. 

 

Killian shoved his phone in his pocket then snatched his napkin again. Slowly sliding out of the bench seat and trying to inconspicuously hold the napkin over his not so inconspicuous  _ boner _ , as Emma had so revoltingly referred to it, he stood up so his wife could take the inner seat.

 

“Oh, thanks babe. You’re just the best... the king of all things Emma’s pleasure.” 

 

“Just you wait, you bloody minx, revenge is going to be mine,” he whispered into her ear as she pecked his cheek. Her eyes flashed with what he knew to be one part challenge and two parts lust, causing his smuggest smile to return.   

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Part 2

As they sat in relatively awkward silence, everyone miraculously needing to peruse their phones at the same time, Killian debated the merits of immediate versus delayed, when she least expects it payback. He was a patient man, he’d waited literal decades for revenge before, but for some reason he found himself needing that immediate satisfaction of besting his wife. 

 

He would never truly classify what he was about to do as revenge, that word entailed malice and forethought, this was merely a game between husband and wife. He and Emma had an ongoing competition, little ways in which they bested the other, it had just never reached this height. This was a whole new level. 

 

He chanced a glance at David who was still stone faced, then Snow who was trying her best to look as though it was any old bright and sunny day. When he looked to Emma, still wearing a self satisfied smirk on her face, she darted her eyes to his and winked.  _ That’s my move _ , he simmered. Just as quickly, she went back to scrolling through her phone. 

 

Brooding as he waited for breakfast to arrive he focused his attention back on his phone, careful not to open the text feed between him and his wife; he’d finally  _ settled down _ , he didn’t need another peep show to get him riled up. Killian opened his photos, it was a favorite pastime of his to look at his frozen moments. He was fascinated by being able to capture a picture forever with the press of his thumb. There, first in the queue was Emma’s bloody toe, in the most literal of terms. She’d been gardening the day before and tripped over one of the bricks she was using to line the rose garden. He’d been at work and she’d sent him the picture with the caption, “There goes my fucking pedicure.” Indeed she had kicked her big toe so hard, her nail had fallen victim, bloodied and swollen. The picture had made him cringe, but the caption had him chuckling, and he’d saved it to his camera roll as just another Emma memory. 

 

Suddenly, as he stared at the picture an idea came to Killian. A wonderfully awful idea, just like that little, grumpy, green fellow in that Christmas cartoon they’d watched with Henry over the holidays.  _ Ah yes, The Grinch _ , he remembered, and Killian felt as though the hair atop his head was unfurling just as the Grinch’s had when he’d gotten his wonderfully awful idea, though he suppressed the Grinchy smile that wanted to break across his face. 

 

“Say Dave, did I tell you what Emma did?”

 

All heads turned toward Killian as he smiled innocently at his father-in-law. 

“Do I want to know what Emma did?” David grumbled.

 

“Well, I’m afraid she sent me this picture and I am not sure if she should be going on patrol this afternoon, or if she should stay home so I can take care of her.” He turned to Emma and quirked his eyebrow. Biting his lip gently just out of the view of her parents, he watched her visibly squirm in her seat.

 

“I’m sure I am just fine to work, babe,” Emma answered.

 

“I don’t know, I think maybe we should have your father be the judge of that.”

 

“What happened?” Snow asked worriedly.

 

“Nothing happened, Mom. Killian’s just being dramatic.”

 

“Dramatic am I? I’d say this photo would paint quite a different idea.” Killian held the phone slightly aloft, as if to pass it to his father-in-law. Looking at his wife in challenge, he waited for her next move. 

 

“Killian,” Emma warned. “Don’t do something we’ll both regret.”

 

“Regret?” David asked in confusion. “Just give me the damn phone.” He reached across the table and snatched the phone from Killian’s hand before Emma could.

 

“No!” Emma shouted, lunging across the table but missing the phone as David cradled it to his chest. 

 

“Just what the hell has gotten into you two this morning!” David growled. 

 

“Give me the phone, Dad!”

 

“No. If you’re hurt, Killian is just trying to keep you from hurting yourself more.”

 

“I see I’m back to Killian, mate. Glad to have you back!”

 

David turned to glare at Killian as if to say,  _ shut up, Hook _ , but returned his attention to his daughter.

 

“But, I’m not hurt,” Emma whined. 

 

“I’ll be the judge of that,” Snow said, snatching the phone from her husband. At first her nose wrinkled and her lips turned down in disgust. 

 

Emma shrunk back into her seat, folded her arms against the table and buried her head in them, like a five year old having a fit. 

 

“Emma, that’s horrible,” Snow said. “You might want to see a doctor.”

 

Emma let out a mortified groan. Her mom was actually lecturing her about naked selfies as if she had some sort of affliction. What insane realm had she entered? 

 

David drew in a sharp breath, “Emma! That’s disgusting!” 

 

Killian sat back and enjoyed his handy work. This could not have played out better than if he was pulling puppet strings. 

 

Emma’s head shot up and she stared bug eyed at her mother. “Mom! You showed it to dad? I don’t even… what the… why would you show dad a naked selfie of me? And you!” She shoved a finger into Killian’s chest, “You are gonna pay, pirate.”

 

David shoved the phone toward Killian as if a naked photo of his daughter might suddenly leap onto the screen.

 

“I’ve done nothing, love!” he proclaimed.

 

“A naked selfie?” Snow asked, confusion evident in her voice.

 

“Oh, whatever, a naked  _ picture _ ,” she emphasized in case they were having a realm colloquialism issue. “Don’t act like you’ve never sent dad a sexy picture.” Emma shuddered at the uncomfortable thought,  they may have been close enough friends to share such information at one point, but Snow was definitely more her mom than her friend in this situation.

 

David bowed his head into his hands. 

 

“See!” Emma gloated, “that reaction right there says you’ve definitely sent him a boob shot or two.”

 

Snow just sat there with the good sense to keep her mouth shut as she blushed to the same color of the apple that had almost stopped her from being here to endure this moment. 

 

“Don’t judge me for sending nudes to my _ husband _ , I’m an adult, the same as you and dad,” Emma hissed across the table for privacy’s sake, sounding every bit the caught teen she was acting like.

 

“Fix this, Hook!” David growled through his hands.

 

Killian put his arm around his wife’s shoulder, which she started to slap away. 

 

“Don’t try and sweet talk me, this is your fault. If you hadn’t been so damn cocky about why we were late this morning I wouldn’t have been forced to take you down a peg.”

 

“Emma, love,” Killian started innocently.

 

Emma narrowed her eyes at his expression of contrite apology. It was false, of that she was sure.

 

“I merely hoped to keep you from injuring yourself worse.” He paused to show Emma the photo of her bloodied toe. “You are the one who told your parents you went into the restroom of this fine establishment and sent sultry nudes to your husband whilst he sat ready to break his fast with his lovely in laws.”

 

Emma’s jaw dropped almost to the table as she stared at Killian, and then her parents. “I can explain. I mean you already know why we were late, and he was just being so smug and piratey-”

 

“Piratey?” Killian laughed.

 

Emma shot him a look and continued, “He was being so smug and piratey about it that I wanted him to be a little humble, so I decided to-”

 

“We already know that part, too,” her father exasperated. “I think you two need to find a new game.”

 

“I don’t know Dave, I like this game, I mean, I did win after all,” Killian preened.

 

Snow laughed at Emma’s huffing and puffing, they really were a cute couple.

 

“You did not win.”

 

“Yes I did.”

 

“Did not!” Emma argued, glaring at him as Granny came over to drop off their breakfast. 

 

“Enjoy folks.” 

 

A chorus of thanks went around the table as Granny walked back to her counter. 

 

“How do you figure I didn’t win, love?” Killian asked as they continued to have a standoff while sitting in a booth.

 

Smiling sweetly at him, Emma kissed him on the cheek, and then turned back to face her parents. “Killian had a boner when I came back to the table.” She picked up a sausage from her plate, bit it, then turned to her husband. “That’s how.” 

 

“Granny!” David shouted, continuing before the old lady could even address him, “I need a to go box!”

 

End

 


End file.
